The start of something?

sport-treadmill-tor-route-163444.jpegI’ve been struggling with parenting for 13 years now! Ok, that’s a bit dramatic. But I’ve found it so tough. And just when I feel I’m starting to get better at parts of it, they bloody well go and grow up!

There’s a great parenting programme that I have access to online and completed module one some time back. Despite knowing how this could help me, our girls and our family, and despite keep saying it’s my priority this week to complete module 2, I still am no further on. Not sure why that is.

I think I’m scared. Not quite sure what of. Or maybe I just want to do it perfectly. I just need to damn well do it and reflect on my learning. Hoping this blog will spur me on to do that. Give me a bit of accountability somehow. Just the fact that I’m putting it out there somehow will hopefully help me feel accountable!

Anyway. At least I’ve got started with putting my thoughts on parenting down. It’s almost two years ago that I had a total crisis of my parenting ability – our oldest was due to start secondary school in the September and it felt an important milestone for me. I didn’t feel I’d been the best parent I could have been. If I could have ‘done’ the previous 11 years again with what I now knew, I would have taken quite a different approach to things.

Maybe I’m just being hard on myself though – maybe that’s life. The benefit of hindsight is always a wonderful thing. Anyway, it’s never too late to learn more, try harder (or differently) and move forwards. It’s taken me a long while though to get here. It feels I kind of needed to ‘sort myself out’ first.

A big part of what was bothering me was helping our oldest manage her emotions. When I tried to think how I could help her with her own ’emotional intelligence’ I realised that I’d never really learned emotional self-regulation myself. I was letting anger get the better of me so often. I was behaving in ways that didn’t make my proud either as a parent or as a wife. Shit – if I didn’t have this stuff together how on earth could I help her.

Anyway, fast-forward a year and a half and I’m in a much better place myself for many reasons. I’ve faced in to my own social anxiety, depression and self-medication with booze and now I’m ready to face in to this big challenge of parenting. Just trying to suss some of it out. Here we go!…..

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